Soap of Love

Love is like a wet bar of soap. When you hold on to it tightly, it slips out of your hand. You have to hold it caressingly and make sure "it" doesn't slip out. I've had many disappoints and failures when it comes to ordinary things. Sometimes, you move on and start all over again like a puzzle. For instance, you start a puzzle, and then you finish it until its completion. The cycle repeats itself over and over again. Then there are disappointments like love that for some reason or another make you feel like you're empty. You are crying on the outside, but on the inside, it's like having your internal organs being ripped out. Love is an emotion that can make you complete or break you apart. People always warned me about my club habits. My friend Analee always told me, "Be careful who you meet!" She knew me like a book. She knew the man behind the mask. I could never hide the truth from her. I have to admit, when it comes to love and dating, I'm a bit sensitive, despite the bad boy façade I tried to incorporate in the past. Every time I went to the club, I don't know what I was looking for. Sometimes, I felt like a little boy in a candy store. In this case, I always picked the wrong "candy." I always went after the bad girls. Don't ask me why? For some reason, I felt like they were adventurous and lived life on the edge. I always daydreamed of a scene from General Hospital where bad boy Luke Spencer saved the day and won the heart of Laura Spencer. Life imitates art? I wish that was the case. I looked forward to the weekend because I knew that I was going to escape reality and step into a world filled with magic, ecstasy, and the unknown. The escapism I'm referring to are the night clubs. Whether you are into the music, drinks, women, or all three, you knew there was never a dull moment. The funny thing about meeting women and dating is that we live in the 21st century, and the concept is still the same. We have all these advancements in technology, but when it comes to the heart, old habits never die. Man walks into club, woman sees man, man sees woman, they both exchange non verbal signs to one another, and BOOM: a connection! It never ends! I always pictured my love life to be pure and innocent, but once again, my attraction to bad girls is what holds me back. Is it the thrill? The risky behavior? The spontaneity? Perhaps. The saddest part is that I've had three amazing opportunities at love, and I destroyed them all. These three girls: Martha, Heidi, and Rachael all had hearts filled with gold. What was the matter? Maybe it was my sense of insecurity. I felt scared that the spark would go away immediately, and then what? All three girls were nice in their own way. Martha was a girl that I had so much in common with. We both loved reading books on politics and literature. We loved and appreciated jazz music. We enjoyed watching movies that were academy award winning material. We engaged in intellectual conversations that never got dull or boring. We sometimes stayed up until four in the morning talking about our favorite black and white movies. I enjoyed her company very much, and knew from the start that she was indeed a girl to take home to mom. What went wrong? Martha was the rebound girl. She was "the" girl that was supposed to replace my ex-girlfriend, Iris. I could not get Iris out of my mind. Everything that I've mentioned about my similarities with Martha was the direct opposite with Iris. Martha was the good girl, and Iris, the bad girl. Poor Martha, she didn't have a chance. I ended up breaking her heart at her birthday party by inviting Iris and making out with her so that Martha could watch. I know that was pretty damn mean of me to do that. I didn't know what I was thinking. Wait... That was a lame excuse! I knew what I was doing. I guess you could say that I love drama! The next girl on the list is Heidi. This was the "perfect" girl. Whenever you were down and sad, Heidi was there to make sure your spirits were lifted; an amazing girl with a huge heart. Even when I was sick, she would come over, and make sure I got rest and nutrition to supplement my body's needs. She was a caring and nurturing person who was always happy. I don't recall a moment when she was mad. It took a lot to get her fired up! In the midst of a crisis, she still had the beautiful glowing smile that radiated the whole room! What sealed the deal with Heidi was our connection and ties to our family. It turns out that Heidi's mom was best friends with my mother's sister and brother since high school. Heidi knew most of my cousins, and my family had nothing but good things to say about Heidi and her family. I truly felt that the relationship could have escalated to a higher level, but two things were in the way: my ex girlfriend Ivonne, and the fact that Heidi was a one night stand affair that occurred four weeks after the break up of Ivonne and myself. Need I say more? Once again, the bad girl syndrome of Ivonne hit me like a plague. Ivonne was by far the worst girlfriend because of the hell I endured with her. The drama with Ivonne was a matter of life and death... literally! There were always lies, and not to mention I almost got killed by her ex boyfriend and father to her two little girls. That's a whole different story for another time, but the fact of the matter is that I simply enjoyed the rush with Ivonne! Heidi was great, but I was still in the healing process! I told Heidi that I could no longer be with her. I was hoping that Ivonne and I would come to an agreement. Did we come to an agreement? Hell no! I ended up chasing a ghost that wasn't there to begin with, and I lost Heidi because she didn't want to play second fiddle. It was a huge loss because the connection with Heidi was special, and something you cannot replicate. Last but not least, there was Rachael. Another great example of a girl with morals, ambition, successful, all around great girl with a spirit filled with kindness and care. Rachael and I met while we were at Texas State University. She was studying and majoring in biology, while I was trying to find my own identity. Sometimes I wish I had met Rachael now than five years ago when I was drowning my sorrows with my good old buddy Jack Daniels. I was much more the partying type than she was. Rachael was dedicated to her studies, but tried so hard to maintain a relationship with me. Rachael and I hit it off the moment our friend LoraJean introduced us to one another. Love at first sight? Who knows! It was a great feeling. I remember smiling on the inside as well as on the outside whenever she would call or ask me to join her for dinner on campus. We had so much in common, but the one thing I remember spending my time with Rachael was that there was so much laughter. It was also the first relationship that started out as friends, and then progressed to being a couple. I loved her so much, and she didn't even know it. What could possibly go wrong? Remember Iris? She was also part of this love triangle as well. For some reason, I believed I could save Iris from the torments of hell she was experiencing, but I learned the hard way. I dumped Rachael for Iris, and soon became the biggest mistake I made when it came to relationships. I put my heart out on the line for Iris, and she played me for a fool. I remember telling Rachael that I could no longer be with her. I told her, "Rachael, there's someone else that I love, and it's not fair that I toy with your emotions. You are a great girl, but I need to find myself first. You deserve a better guy than me. I hope you find the happiness that you are looking for." Afterwards, it took about a minute or two before it hit Rachael. She was so devastated and began to weep like a little girl who was lost at the mall searching for her mother. I really felt bad, but I felt it was the right thing to do as a man. The worst thing I could have done was play both Rachael and Iris at the same time. What did I learn from all of this? Hold on to love. If you find that special someone, keep that treasure. You never know when love will come knocking again. Forget that whole bad girl or bad boy fantasy. It leads to nowhere. The only thing you will gain from an unhealthy relationship is paranoia, depression, and sometimes alcohol or drug addiction. Don't bother with it. At first, it may seem hot and exciting, but the spark won't last, and you will find yourself at the bottomless pit screaming to get out! The only thing you will inherit is drama and lots of baggage. Who wants that? So the next time you meet a girl or boy, find the hidden treasure they have beneath them. You never know, you might strike gold!